Office Memo

Office Memo
>
> Dear Staff,
>
> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
>
> If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume
that
>
> you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so you

> may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
> you do not need a raise.
> **********************************************************************
> PERSONAL DAYS:
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
> Saturday and Sunday.
>
> LUNCH BREAKS:
> Skinny People get 30 minutes for Lunch, as they need to eat more so that
> they can look healthy.
>
> Normal size people get 15 minute for Lunch to get a balanced meal to
> maintain their average figure.
>
> Fat people get 5 minutes for Lunch, because that's all the time needed to
> drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
>
> SICK DAYS:
> We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of Sickness. If
you
> are able to go to the Doctor, You are able to come to work.
>
> RESTROOM USE:
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. There is now a
> strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
>
> At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, toilet paper roll will
> retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
>
> After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
> bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
>
> SURGERY:
> As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not

> consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed

> constitutes a breach of Employment.
>
> Thank you for your Loyalty to our company.
>
> We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
> Questions, Comments, Concerns, Complaints, Frustrations, Irritations,
> Aggravations, Insinuations, Allegations, Accusations
> Contemplation, Consternation and Input should be directed elsewhere.